Why I Come to Oak Tree Corner: Part 3

Today's post is brought to us by Carole Judge, a Beavercreek volunteer.


When my mother died in a car accident the weekend of my senior prom, my world was altered forever.  For years, the grief I felt that fateful day would repeatedly haunt me and intensify during life’s “everyday” moments.  High school graduation was a blur; I cried throughout most of the event.  But I remember lyrics of a song we had to sing:

It's time for moving on; hold back all the tears and sorrow...
It’s finally time, to go our separate ways...
As we search for new tomorrows...
Don't forget the yesterdays...   I also recall there was no place like Oak Tree Corner where I could share my feelings with other people my age suffering similar loss.  I was a teen who suddenly felt like a child.  I only knew one other girl whose mom had died.  She tried to teach me about unit pricing one day at the grocery store.  I didn’t want to learn.  I SHOULDN’T BE SHOPPING FOR MY OWN FOOD YET – I’M NOT READY – IM A KID!  Friends and family tried to provide comfort, but they could not offer the kind of support I needed.

That’s why I volunteer.  I’m a survivor.  I went to college, moved away from home, got married, had a career and children, and experienced a full life without the care and loving hand of a mother – the cheerleader of my universe.

At Oak Tree Corner, groups I’ve facilitated over the past 10+ years can be described in one word: complex!  Teens’ loved ones have died from illness, suicide, accident and senseless violence.  One week during our group session, a teen might reveal resilience and strength.  The following week, that same teen can seem so broken and weak he or she can’t even cry.  Some group members are hopeful and open; others are closed, scared, and angry.  We talk about it all.  We cry, but we also laugh.   I’ve watched teens develop strong, caring and confidential relationships with other teens they only see on Tuesday nights.  They show incredible kindness to a new member who is hurting.  They also call each other out for what they think are inappropriate comments and regularly give caring smack downs regarding shame or blame.  As a facilitator, what I hope I offer is an example that life can go on.  I never deny how afraid I felt or suggest it was easy.  It wasn’t.  At times it was crippling.

Years after my mother’s death, my husband came home one night to find me on the kitchen floor, sobbing and holding my infant daughter.  The birth of this beautiful baby ripped open my wound and I missed my mother all over again.  Healthy healing from the early loss of a parent or sibling can take years or decades, but I truly believe getting help can shorten the duration.  After peeling me off the floor, my husband bought me the book, “Motherless Daughters” by Hope Edelman.  Reading it probably began my true healing process because in it women shared feelings I thought were only mine.  The same thing happens at Oak Tree Corner – but Oak Tree is better – it’s real!

Taking the classes to become a grief group facilitator brought me full circle.  Teens come to my group weeks or years after they’ve experienced the death of a loved one.  Siblings, grandparents, parents, and dear friends die everyday, but for children, the impact can be devastating.  I felt flattened.  Today I volunteer with Oak Tree Corner because what I suffered after my mother’s death is not unique.  The work gives me purpose and I feel it’s my responsibility.  It can be difficult at times, but it’s always honest.

(It’s important to note this valuable local organization is non-profit and exists on donations from our community.)

Carole Judge has over ten years experience volunteering with Oak Tree Corner. She primarily works with the teens and is also the unofficial OTC photographer.

Why I Come to Oak Tree Corner: Part Two

Today's installment is by Bonnie Burrell, who facilitates the adult group in Beavercreek.



My two oldest nephews were six and three when their mother died. It was 1988 and I admit the entire family was ignorant regarding children's grief. My brother, their father, talked to his pastor for himself and that was it. My brother turned the boys over to his wife's mother to raise them. He removed all pictures of his dead wife, don't ask me why. My husband and I would pick the kids up every other weekend and I tried to attend all their sporting events.

My mother died by suicide in 1993 and my brother jokingly told my nephews that she had died while on the toilet. I talked to both of them and explained to them that Grandma had been really sad since my other brother had died in 1986 and had killed herself. I also asked them to come to me if they ever felt that way.

Around 1996, my eldest nephew was breaking into cars to get money to buy marijuana. There were other issues he was dealing with, like their dad remarrying and his girlfriend moving. Once, when both boys were staying over, the oldest said he felt like killing himself because no one would care. I talked to him immediately. I called their grandma and his dad to alert them about what he’d said. The following day I went to our employee assistance program and they told me about Oak Tree Corner. I passed the info along to my brother, who did nothing.

A few weeks later, I got my paycheck and was surprised to find a notice about Oak Tree Corner holding a volunteer training. I’ve been volunteering ever since.

As of right now, my oldest nephew is doing well, with a family of his own. Unfortunately, the youngest hasn’t fared that well. He’s a heroin addict, in and out of jail. Currently, he’s doing well and we’re all hopeful.

What keeps me coming back to Oak Tree is that if I feel I made the tiniest difference in a grieving child’s life, I can’t ask for more than that.

Bonnie has been with Oak Tree Corner since 1996. She’s an avid sports fan and enjoys gardening and hanging out with her family and pets in her free time. Bonnie works at Kettering Health Network as a Medical Lab Technician. She’s worked there for 44 years.

Why I Come to Oak Tree Corner: Part One

In our last post, we explored what an Oak Tree Corner meeting is like. We begin each meeting by passing around a talking stick, stating our name and why we come to Oak Tree Corner.

We’re introducing a new series of posts today, aptly titled “Why I Come to Oak Tree Corner,” in which current and past members will share what brought them to Oak Tree Corner and why they continue to come. We hope you enjoy them!

Today's post is by Jennifer Crocker, who has been volunteering for Oak Tree Corner since 2003.

“What are the meetings like?”

Oak Tree Corner volunteers are often asked about what happens at a typical meeting. Most people are surprised to learn that there’s really no such thing as a typical Oak Tree Corner meeting. Each meeting tends to be unique. There are different combinations of children and volunteers each night, and these changing group dynamics can affect how each meeting progresses.

Still, new families, adults and children alike, are often trepidatious about what these meetings might entail, especially if they’ve never been before. Despite what many may assume, the meetings aren’t always sad affairs. They can bring up strong feelings, of course, as these meetings are designed to help children work through their grief, but there aren’t always tears. In fact, there’s usually a lot of laughter.

The meetings follow an agenda, yet are very casual. As volunteers and families arrive, they help themselves to pizza and soda and sit in small groups, catching up before the meeting begins. This gives everyone some time to decompress, whether it's from the workday, the rush to get to the meeting on time, or simply from the strong feelings, nerves or otherwise, that they may be experiencing if it’s their first (or second or third…) night.

When it's time, everyone splinters into their separate groups. The youngest children, the “Littles,” go in one group, the 7-12 year olds, or “Middles,” in another group, leaving the Teens, who form the final group. Each group of children is accompanied by several adult volunteers.

Each group begins the meeting in the same way. They pass around a talking stick and, as it goes around the circle, everyone (both children and volunteers) takes turns sharing their name, as well as what brings them to Oak Tree Corner. It’s important for the children to know two things before this begins:

1) That it’s OK to pass if they are too overwhelmed to share, as is the case with many first-timers, or even kids who have been coming for years.

2) That only the person holding the talking stick should be talking, until the stick is passed to the next person.

Volunteers often use this time to go over the Oak Tree Corner rules. Everyone hears these rules at the orientation they attend before going to their first meeting, but this is a good chance to reiterate them. Oak Tree Corner doesn’t have a lot of rules, but the ones they do have are there for everyone’s emotional and physical safety.

The majority of the meeting is then spent on whatever activity or activities the volunteers have planned. These activities are designed to facilitate discussion about grieving. Some are more successful than others and if a child gets bored with one activity, they are free to move on to another. It’s imperative that the children lead the conversation. Volunteers never ask direct questions, instead using “I wonder…” statements, because no one wants the children to feel as if they’re being interrogated. Silence is fine, too! If the kids don’t want to speak, sometimes that means they need the quiet.

Littles tend to go through several activities in each meeting, often bouncing from activity to activity and back again, and sometimes volunteers splinter off with certain kids who want to do a different activity than the others. Middles, however, can usually focus on one activity per meeting, often creating beautiful crafts, such as memory boxes or journals. Teens, as one might imagine, often take the beginning discussion and run with it, and might spend the entire hour just talking. Other nights, they might play games as the facilitators ask indirect questions.

Each meeting ends the same way, with a hand squeeze. All groups come back together, gather in a circle, and hold hands. Vicki, the director, reminds everyone to take a quiet moment to think about why they come to Oak Tree Corner, and then a previously chosen child (usually one who has asked at the beginning of the night) starts the hand squeeze. The child squeezes the hand of the person next to them, that person squeezes the hand of the person next to them, and so on, until the squeeze has made it back to the child who started it.

That’s what an Oak Tree Corner meeting should look like, though, as previously mentioned, there are always slight differences. The meetings may sound very simple, and they only last about an hour and a half, but most children look forward to coming, if only because they get to come to a place where there are others who understand exactly what they’re going through.

If you or someone you know could benefit from Oak Tree Corner, or if you're interested in volunteering, please call us at (937) 285-0199 or send us an email.

Oak Tree Featured in Dayton Daily News 6/20/2010

Oak Tree Corner was featured in this detailed and helpful article dealing with sudden and tragic loss. For more information, click here.