Why I Come to Oak Tree Corner: Part One

In our last post, we explored what an Oak Tree Corner meeting is like. We begin each meeting by passing around a talking stick, stating our name and why we come to Oak Tree Corner.

We’re introducing a new series of posts today, aptly titled “Why I Come to Oak Tree Corner,” in which current and past members will share what brought them to Oak Tree Corner and why they continue to come. We hope you enjoy them!

Today's post is by Jennifer Crocker, who has been volunteering for Oak Tree Corner since 2003.




People often ask me why I come to Oak Tree Corner, how I got started, and how in the world I can handle talking about death and grief.

I come to Oak Tree because my best friend, Jason, committed suicide 11 years ago this past October.  Being a survivor of suicide, I know firsthand the deep pain that those left behind feel and I don't wish that pain on anyone.  That is actually how I got into grief work to begin with.  He had four younger siblings and I feel they didn't think that they could talk to their mom about him for fear of bringing her down even more than she already was.  So, they bottled it up. I felt badly that I couldn't do more to help them over the three hours distance.  I wanted to do more.  I wanted to use Jason's death to help other people in dealing with the heavy burden of grief.  It was such a tragedy and I wanted something positive to come out of it.

I found Oak Tree Corner the following summer.  I wanted to get involved in helping others locally with their grief and have been involved for ten years now. I went through the training and I have also gone to several conferences for the National Alliance of Grieving Children around the country to continue my learning.  I have worked with all three of the age groups of children and teens. I loved that it is a peer support group for the kids so that they can see that they aren't alone and there are other kids who experience loss as well.  I have been involved in the fundraising, helping in the office, working in any way that's been needed when I have been available.  My degree from Purdue, in psychology, has enabled me to work with all different types of people, however, I have discovered that the grief work is what I like best.

Not many people can talk about death/grief, want to talk about it, or feel comfortable doing so.  I often find it amazing to read obituaries and the one thing that always stands out is that nobody dies.  They "fly on the wings of the angels in the heavens" or "passed on" or "went to visit the Lord" or "went to eternal sleep."  I am not belittling any of these, I am just saying that it goes to show that our society can't handle talking about the concreteness and finality of death, so we skirt around it.  And maybe this is sometimes confusing for people because, while comforting in thoughts or beliefs,  it does nothing though for the reality of the all loneliness and sadness of the loss.

People often ask me, "Well, what do I say to someone who has just had a loss?"  They are afraid to say the wrong thing so they end up not saying anything at all.  I've always said that people won't remember what you say but they will always remember how you made them FEEL during their time of need. They will feel that there is someone who cares enough to be there for them, not necessarily what exactly they say. There are some people that don't want to hear about, talk about, or see pictures and reminders of the person who died.  And on the converse, others who are comforted by those things, such as looking through old photo albums and pictures.  I have known some who like to just sit in their loved one’s closet and just smell the lingering scent  Some people may not bring the loved one's name up for fear of upsetting someone or reminding them of the person who died (as if they will EVER forget) and it feels like people have forgotten them.  All of these things are normal ways for different people to grieve differently.  There is not a magic equation about what to feel when so that you can "get over it," as people mistakenly believe people should do.  They were a huge part of our lives and will always be in our hearts and minds forever.  There's no "getting over" that.  In fact, on the anniversary of Jason's death, I usually don't even want to get out of bed, even 11 years later.  This past year, though, I did a hot air balloon event in Mississippi and the previous year, I actually flew that morning...both of which brought me an incredible sense of peace.  I can't tell people what will help them.  This is all something they will discover for themselves through their journey.  What comforts one person may not comfort the next.  And there are days where I go to pick up the phone to call my grandma (that I was extremely close to who died three weeks after Jason) to tell her something and it takes me a minute to remember I can't do that.  But, this is all part of why I come to Oak Tree...to help people in whatever way comforts them.  I am comfortable talking about death and appreciate the raw emotions that people go through.

As to where to begin, that's up to each child individually.  What is most troubling for them at this time?  I understand the obvious, that they miss their loved one deeply, but how are they feeling today about it?  Anger? Sadness? A bit of relief that they are not in pain any longer?  And we ask, "How are you today," because emotions will go back and forth and heck they may even feel five emotions all at one time.  I don't ask how are they "dealing with it" because, to me, that sounds like it is a problem that needs solved and can be solved.  You deal with the cat hacking up a giant hairball in the middle of the floor, or you deal with a leak in the roof, or deal with needing new brakes on a car.  Grief isn't concrete and will never be done.  We just want to help people know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve or feel.

Grief is a process. A journey. They never get over it but it will become easier over time. They will have bad days and they will have good days. Emotions come and go and are confusing. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make it easier for them.  I can't even imagine how they feel about losing their loved one, since every relationship is unique and special. But I can listen. And I can be someone who shows them it is OK, that I care, and they are not truly all alone.

I'm a firm believer in the quote, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift...that's why it is called 'the present'."  I want to help others to move along their grief journey so that they may, in a new way, begin to enjoy the present again.  Life is precious and short, and those of us at Oak Tree Corner are all too aware of that.  So, I want to work with others to hold onto those memories and find a way for them to continue on their path.  I want to hear anything they would like to share about their loved one, their death, and their emotions or concerns.  I will never have an answer to every question they may ask, but I can try to help them not feel so alone.  And even if I can do that for only one person, then I will feel good in knowing I have done so.

I cherish the fact that I have had several friends who have called upon me to help them and their families in their time of need immediately after the death of their loved one.  It fills my heart with love to know that as they cried and let it all out, that I was able to hold them and give them a tiny bit of comfort.  I truly love people.  I am honored and rewarded when people choose to share with me their stories and allow me to help in any way that I can for them.

I have been extremely lucky to be given the gifts of empathy and compassion. I want, love, and need to share them.  I have a dear friend and I have been helping him to work through his grief since his wife died from cancer.  He wrote, "You told me it was OK to feel any feeling anger, sadness, etc. You asked me all the time  how I was feeling, to describe it. You made it very clear to me that there are no solutions or fixes, just some understanding that grief takes many shapes or forms when it comes and that it is alright to feel it when it does. You made me feel that I was never alone and that I could talk to you anytime and that you always made me feel inside that you truly and honestly understood and cared...that was a big deal for me...because it left me with hope and a knowledge that I truly wasn't all alone. You know many of these things...but sometimes all a person needs 'is just a heart that understands and a hand to hold as they walk along together on this part of their journey' and you do that with a true gift."

And that...is why I come to Oak Tree Corner.